Spirituality, Sabotage, and Some other Shit I've been Marinating On. A reflection in III Parts.

Part I-Sabotage

First of all lets get the Pandora off of  Duffy Radio.  Melancholy shit.  Been a super crazy week for me emotionally, which is scary because you'd think by now I’d be used to that shit.  My life is always fuckin crazy emotionally and otherwise.  You know how it goes though, a short week always seems long as fuck because it throws off you anal retentive internal clock(Wait, that's just me?)  Anyway, here's what the high points look like- we shall delve deeper but its always nice to have an outline.  Cause even though my grammar and spelling does at time appear to be for shit, I think it would reassure everyone that tries to choke down this shit out the gate that:
                    A. I have a point
                          i. I don't care if you agree
                          ii. I secretly long for your approval
                    B. This post may not pertain to you
                         i. Like my parenting Shit
                         ii. Are you fucking human with a heart?  The shit pertains to you.
                    C.  I'm not stupid just because I curse
                          i. Fuck You

Monday: Labor Day Celebration w/ the BFF, Mr. Ex Gangsta Divorcee, and the newest member of the GD club; Care-Bear. Strange back and forth text convo with someone I'd written off that left me feeling like I was in an early episode of the fucking great pumpkin.
Tuesday:  Anything happen at work?   Oh yea- I missed a conference call that I didn't really give a shit about.  So yea that’s not new.
Wednesday: Ran Out of Meds for both blood sugar and serotonin (pay attention this will be important later)
Thursday: Still no Meds- left my kick ass "no matter how much I drink its always $3" bar tab for some networking bullshit.  Bad Idea
Friday- STILL NO MEDS was hateful to my staff, tussled with the BFF after only 2 glasses of wine and stormed out of a chain restaurant.  Picked up the meds on the way home.

So here we are at Saturday and I'm ready to review and make some sense outta all this bullshit.  I have the luxury of this thanks to my housekeeper.  Spend the money of you can find it ladies. It has changed my life, she does the laundry.

Let's talk sabotage 1st. (watch this shit, this song is boss as hell).  I think if you spend more than 2 seconds in therapy the very first thing they want you to learn is that all the fucked things that you do or that seem to just befall you are, for the most part, this manifestation of the many ways in which you sabotage yourself.  My therapist and I got heated up about this very type of behavior this week   This is my sabotaging behavior:  I have zero middle ground.  All or Nothing. 

My Therapist is suggesting that I may want to try to not be that way. 

I am suggesting that she and I have possibly never met. Even though I've been bawling my eyes out for a almost a straight fuckin year on her fuckin couch. 

Being this way is innate in me.  Would I like to change it?  Sure.  Can I change it?  Nope.  Here's the thing that I always find the most ironic about people like me and the people that surround us.  When you want some bullshit done, you want someone to call bullshit in a fucking boring ass meeting that has apparently sprung up because we've run out fucking paint to watch dry, or you just want bullshit and party. You got your girl on speed dial.  But don't let that shit run afowl of some plans you made that didn’t involve that, cause that ain't gonna work.  That's fuckin wack.

So what is the solution?  I think you have to learn to work with what is innate in you and to not make apologies for it, but apologize sincerely when what you do hurts someone.  Case in point. I huffed out of a fucking Johnny Carrinos in a snit over something that in the moment seemed huge.   Subsequently, I realized that the deadly combination of high blood sugar and low serotonin had made me irrational. I called (ok I texted) the BFF, fought with her some more, and eventually offered a sincere apology once the meds had fully set in the next morning.  I think that's the way to go.  For now I'm gonna stick with it.  That being said, please feel free to offer some feedback on alternate solutions.  I’ll probably ignore them but I will graciously thank you for the effort, cause I'm a Lady and I have manners and shit. 

Get your Holy book out cause were talking the God of your choosing(I promise my shit won't be as PC as that statement when we get after it fo real) in the next post.  That's my word.
R