Soooo- I originally started this post on Dec 5th- clearly your girl has been marinating! Which is rare- I don't tend give shit a lot of thought. Thought is for 2 kinds of people- #1 people that lack leadership and the ability to assess a situation and make a decision and #2 people who give a fuck. I, am neither. But! I thought "its wrong for you disparage your online dating experience only 8 days in. You MUST give it a legit chance- it CANNOT be all bad." All bad? No. Totally fucked? Yes. Let me begin by summarizing my "profile"for back ground. For the record loyal readers I kept that shit Gangsta- less the word motherfuck. Cause you know I gotta keep it real.
So Here's me:
Divorced, Scorpio, 5'9, average build, income-noneya,doesn't want anymore kids, Catholic, very liberal Bio:outspoken, confident, not a homebody, kid super important
Here is what I requested:
Divorced or widowed, 5"11 or taller, has kids doesn't want anymore kids,income- I give a shit, Catholic or Spiritual not religious(basically no evangelicals or Jesus freaks yo) Bio: Please don't be stupid and be fun,
Straight forward right? Simple right? Wrong. So now that I have officially and mercifully resigned my 1 month membership- I have decided to offer some online dating hommies the benefit of my experience in true gangsta fashion
1st- Motherefucker! Read my Shit!! It says "very Liberal" Seriously yo- I mean next time I am for sure putting
"I have a mother fuckin alter to Nancy Pelosi and Obamas socialism ain't my socialism- but fuckin Stalin's is", Do not wink, interest, or favorite me if your fucking profile picture has a confederate flag in the background. If under your hobbies you have "conservative politics". If you own multiple cowboy hats and you love fuckin brooks and dunn. Hommie- even if I was just here to hook up(which I can manage just fine in the wild)- you are clearly unfuckable. This tirade can also be extended to I ain't having no more babies. Believe that. Gangsta baby can pour her own milk, make a peanut butter sandwich and text. My work here is done- she's ready to be released into the wild. Ain't no reset button.
#2- I appreciate your need to dream big Mr. 5'5- I really do. But fo real yo-I put that picture on my profile where I look tall as fuck because I am a big bitch. I don't wanna squish you muffin. Please, click your heels together 3 times, say there's no place like home, and take your shit back over the rainbow to munchkin land with your people.
#3- Be the fuck divorced. Here's an excerpt from the one coffee I eked out of this whole fucking experiment:
GD: So how long have you been divorced?
Some Guy(SG): Well the papers are filed- were just waiting that 60 days.
GD: Oh- uhmm ok. So when did you separate-like move out?
SG: In September
GD: This September?
SG: Yea.
GD: Oh! Ok- so how long have you been dating online?
SG: Since September
GD:(thank God for the botox b/c I know my face would have said "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" My mouth wanted to say that- I drank my coffee)
So! In conclusion- I have decided that I am super blessed to be still hot and my awesome man-guru that I accidentally had super good sex with before we became bff's reports that I am "above average" in bed. I'm gonna ride that ego boost on a vodka wave for awhile longer. And leave you with this- cause I'm still not a player(but you still a hater)- I just fuck a lot.
Thats.My.Word.
R
