If Hustle and Flow taught us nothing, it proved that it's hard out there for a pimp. It is particularly hard in the suburbs, although that makes like zero sense to me given the high level of sexual frustration out here. Here's another hard motherfuckin' truth, its even harder for the Gangsta Divorcee. At 1st you think its gonna be a cake walk with the divorcee dating pool, but it doesn't take long to realize that no matter which team you come down on: Team A: "I look way hotter than all these mom jean peeps at the PTA, I'm gonna knock this shit out in like 20 minutes" or Team B: " Ms.Independent why would I want another one? Surely one's enough" When you finally dip your pedicured toe(cause you have some time to get your toes done that you are relived of duty Wednesdays, Thursdays and every other Friday) back in to the fucking river Styx that is dating, you need some rulz. And those bullshit rulz for girls that still haven't managed to lock up their 1st husband ain't gonna work sister. Let me help you out.
Rulz #1: The Shit Don't Pop off Like That: make note of the observation in the introduction, those old rulz were made before you(or your mom June Cleaver) realized that, contrary to Disney's relentless marketing campaign; the shit don't pop off that way. He's no night in white armor, fuck he's probably never been to England. Stop laying awake at nite picturing your 2nd wedding barefoot on beach with just your kids, your parents, your best friend, and some bullshit white dress you bought at Banana Republic.
Rulz #2-Do The Math: Q:Does he have more children than he has hands? A: Yes he has 3. Follow Up from The Moderator: Fuck that. If he has more children than he has hands, the likely hood that one of those little shits will get away from him is extremely high. And because he's a man he'll look at you all pitiful and shit and beg for help reigning in a passel of brats that you have no genetic connection to, and that will just annoy you.
Rulz # 3 Be Sure his Ex-Crazy Bitch is on Par with your Crazy-Bitchyness: Establish by interaction #2 what his relationship with his baby-mama is. Is she bat shit crazy? That's fine, but you too should be bat shit crazy. At this stage of the game , when there's children and child support involved everyone needs to be on the same page. You will never understand a woman whose still hurling calling him up 15 time a day to discuss that time he didn't clean up three fucking drops of spit up during a particularly colic-e period 15 years ago. If you and your ex are all "Que cera it didn't work out let's be a grown up and do whats best for our child." and they're still on the turnpike to crazy with no exit that shit will never work out between ya'll. Don't believe me? Alright Madame Curie, experiment with that shit and let me know how it goes.
Rulz #4 You Don't Fucking Have to Get back out There: Under no circumstances allow your fellow divorcee BFF's and/or your delusional never-been-married single friends convince you that you need to just back out there if some punk-ass dude that you would NEVER date asks you out. Practice dating is for women without children who can't quit maxing out their credit cards buying shoes so they can afford their own nice fucking dinner.
Rulz #5 Get it Right, Get it Tight: Look at you lucky girl! You lost 30 lbs from stress and can wear your pre-1st wedding skinny jeans! Congratulations! Everyone hates you! And even though you finally know what your mama meant when she said if you can't be happy you can at least be thin, you did the crime girl, do the time. Under no circumstances ever is a divorce just 1 persons fault. That shit can straight up be 99% to 1%, but check your self before you ride off into the sunset and start doing all that shit I told you not to do in rulz #1. If you don't know how you contributed to the demise of marriage #1, you better figure it out. Skip that step, and its straight ground hog day up in this motherfucker. Your kids have already been through your daddy issues once girl, let's not do that again mmkay?.
I hope theses Rulz will help you on your journey- I got like a million more because I'm a control freak, but I think this will do for now. That's My Word.
R
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