Men are from the West Coast, Women are from the East Coast & the 3rd Coast is some Shit we made up in Texas

Well here it s Friday night again and BooBoo is off on Daddy Weekend.  So you know how your girls rollin'-that's right I'm getting drunk alone and eating a dinner consisting solely of carbs standing up in the kitchen.  Hell Yea.  Hope Ya'll are diggin the new page design thanks to my fav mom hommies Fiesty Charlie Writes and A Blonde Betty.  Check out their shit- its way different from mine, but like me, totally awesome. 

Lets get down to tha biz-nass- Men.  Since I can't be lucky enough to be a lesbian, you know I gotta deal with those motherfuckers.  Those of you that really know me know I'm not nearly as gangsta about men as I would appear to be upon 1st glance. I once had a very trusted (trusted only because I've stumbled through this world a long time looking for souls as fucked up as me, and he's top 5 fo sho) male source tell me  I "have unrealistic expectations of others".  My initial reaction was If you can't take the heat get yo ass up out the kitchen motherfucker.  But you know, I'm thoughtful and shit- I pontificated and decided he was right. (I know right, when are those fools ever right).  Initial reaction might be- but GD(oh shit!  I just realized abbreviating my blog name could also be God Damn- excellent) we live in an age where everyone only has the lowest of expectations of people. But look at what he really said- unrealistic, not to high.  So here's a hard motherfuckin truth ladies, that bullshit self help book about Mars and Venus was straight up about how it really goes down.  Men will never understand the following things about women:

When shit goes horribly terribly wrong, and by wrong I mean it didn't pop off the way we meticulously planned it, we cry.  We like to cry to release anger, frustration,sadness, joy, irritation with other bitches that are trippin.  We cry  That's what we we do.  So shut the fuck up and pass the tissue. 

We are convening the council to figure out all our problems.  Talking to our girl friends is right up there with crying(and vodka) when it comes to working shit out.  And yes were talking about you, probably in hateful way, that doesn't mean we hate you, except when we do.  Complaining about you, our job, our other girlfriends that are acting crazy prevents us from taking action that would be illegal and probably land us in jail.

The thought that losing 10lbs will completely change our life has been passed down by mothers to daughters for generations.  It is part of our genetic fabric.  Please, stop getting irritated when we talk about it. 

Ladies, don't get all smug and shit.  As long as you draw breath on this earth you will never understand the following things about men.

A man needs to fix shit like a fat kid needs cake.  A man must fix all things.   Your toilet, your car, your fucked up relationship with your parents.   If he can't, in his mind, he ceases to be a man.  Woman do not suffer from this, if we want something fixed, we call a man.  So STFU ladies when you just want him to listen and agree and he won't stop trying to fix it so you cry.  That's what men do.   They fix shit, because we ask them to.

When you ask him what he's thinking about, and he says 'nothing".  He means that shit.  That motherfucker ain't thinking about nothin'.  Except maybe sex and SportsCenter.  Quit trying to make your man into  Socrates.  Socrates was gay.  Do you feel a strong urge for a Socrates in your life?  That is why God made your hairdresser.  Leave that fool alone.

Finally Ladies, if you are an enthusiastic lover he gives a fuck if you ever lose that 10lbs. ( I really wanted to link Chris Rock here- but I can't find the bit on youtube where he says "if you like fuckin' marriage ain't for you" cause I'm to drunk. but here's some good shit that I love).   But fo real yo- if there is one thing being a Divorcee has taught me is that men love an enthusiastic lover.  And don't be a fake enthusiastic lover- if you're fakin it get divorced yo cause it doesn't get any better.  Men love that shit- so have some tequila, hit up the strip bar and get after that shit in your size 14 thong.

I know what you're thinking- you're thinking "Daaam Gangsta Divorcee"  You are so wise- why did you ever get divorced?" Listen up peeps- if you are truly meant to be, marriage counseling will help you.   If it doesn't help your actual marriage it will help you to be straight gangsta/ more able to cope as a divorcee.  I hope regardless of your status you hear the truth in my words. And!  Even though the 3rd coast is some shit we made up in Texas- RIP Pimp C- you know you made this shit a hit!  That's my Word.