Soooo- I originally started this post on Dec 5th- clearly your girl has been marinating! Which is rare- I don't tend give shit a lot of thought. Thought is for 2 kinds of people- #1 people that lack leadership and the ability to assess a situation and make a decision and #2 people who give a fuck. I, am neither. But! I thought "its wrong for you disparage your online dating experience only 8 days in. You MUST give it a legit chance- it CANNOT be all bad." All bad? No. Totally fucked? Yes. Let me begin by summarizing my "profile"for back ground. For the record loyal readers I kept that shit Gangsta- less the word motherfuck. Cause you know I gotta keep it real.
So Here's me:
Divorced, Scorpio, 5'9, average build, income-noneya,doesn't want anymore kids, Catholic, very liberal Bio:outspoken, confident, not a homebody, kid super important
Here is what I requested:
Divorced or widowed, 5"11 or taller, has kids doesn't want anymore kids,income- I give a shit, Catholic or Spiritual not religious(basically no evangelicals or Jesus freaks yo) Bio: Please don't be stupid and be fun,
Straight forward right? Simple right? Wrong. So now that I have officially and mercifully resigned my 1 month membership- I have decided to offer some online dating hommies the benefit of my experience in true gangsta fashion
1st- Motherefucker! Read my Shit!! It says "very Liberal" Seriously yo- I mean next time I am for sure putting
"I have a mother fuckin alter to Nancy Pelosi and Obamas socialism ain't my socialism- but fuckin Stalin's is", Do not wink, interest, or favorite me if your fucking profile picture has a confederate flag in the background. If under your hobbies you have "conservative politics". If you own multiple cowboy hats and you love fuckin brooks and dunn. Hommie- even if I was just here to hook up(which I can manage just fine in the wild)- you are clearly unfuckable. This tirade can also be extended to I ain't having no more babies. Believe that. Gangsta baby can pour her own milk, make a peanut butter sandwich and text. My work here is done- she's ready to be released into the wild. Ain't no reset button.
#2- I appreciate your need to dream big Mr. 5'5- I really do. But fo real yo-I put that picture on my profile where I look tall as fuck because I am a big bitch. I don't wanna squish you muffin. Please, click your heels together 3 times, say there's no place like home, and take your shit back over the rainbow to munchkin land with your people.
#3- Be the fuck divorced. Here's an excerpt from the one coffee I eked out of this whole fucking experiment:
GD: So how long have you been divorced?
Some Guy(SG): Well the papers are filed- were just waiting that 60 days.
GD: Oh- uhmm ok. So when did you separate-like move out?
SG: In September
GD: This September?
SG: Yea.
GD: Oh! Ok- so how long have you been dating online?
SG: Since September
GD:(thank God for the botox b/c I know my face would have said "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" My mouth wanted to say that- I drank my coffee)
So! In conclusion- I have decided that I am super blessed to be still hot and my awesome man-guru that I accidentally had super good sex with before we became bff's reports that I am "above average" in bed. I'm gonna ride that ego boost on a vodka wave for awhile longer. And leave you with this- cause I'm still not a player(but you still a hater)- I just fuck a lot.
Thats.My.Word.
R
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Dear Shallow Whore From FB- Suck my Dick.
Real Talk From Austin Texas by way of Lubbock.
I was gone give it some time before I wrote this blog since my last one was so fuckin controversial. I genuinely gave my self the "Simmer down bitch" pep talk so that I could be- you know- classy about the shit(thanks AK). But you know the response from the moderator. Fuck That. I really want to open with this song, because as my Girl Betty pointed out- you you can basically interchange the word "gangsta' and "lady" in this song and it means the same. I would also replace the N word for something like debutante because i just don't care for it an find it offensive.
So listen to the words of this song you fuckin washed up has been and know that I'm not fuckin around and if I ever see you again I will punch you in the face. You keep my fucking kids name out of your mouth, or you will be sorrier than you have ever been. I have like eleventy lawyers in my family/friendship- so Ima tell you like I told Mr. Ex Gangsta Divorcee when he thought he could fuck with me- it will cost me zero legal dollars to fucking assault(and/or divorce) you. And! Lucky me- I'll bat my eyes at some sucker to get any other expenses that might be incurred taken care of- which is way easier for me than you- who by the way is like 6 years younger THAN MY MOTHER.
You wanna go there with me about the example I'm leading? Why don't I post the pictures of your 16 year old walking around ACL in a bikini and low slung skirt that showed her twat- smoking, drinking, and getting high in front of you while you joked about it. By no means am I prude or a tee-totaler, but I gaur-en-goddam-tee you you my daughter shows up like that while she lives under my roof- thinking she's grown, she can change her clothes and her attitude or she can pack her shit. Or maybe we can talk about how your left your "beautiful daughter" drunk as fuck (you and her both) so you could chase a married man with the express purpose of getting laid.
But! the coup de grace of all this fucked non-sense was this shit.
" And as far as being in an ugly space. thank god i am not. Just saying that men treat you as you ask them to treat you. period. i guess maybe that outfit just looks better on me. ha ha ha."
Combined with this:
"I completely agree. rock on you miserable souls. so glad i am not apart of your "reality". What a sad way to live life. trash breeds trash."
Are you fucking kidding me right now? If I contained a fucking monochrome of patience I would fucking pick your fucking ramblings apart motherfucking syllable by syllable. As it turns out(and not surprisingly) I can boil down your simple minded shit in maaaybe 5 bullet points- cause you know I learned something besides getting married in college:
- You look better? Nice try almost 50 yr old pussy and that's fun and new to make a fat joke. oh? what did cosmo tell you being a size 8 at 5'9 after 6 years of intensive hormonal infertility treatment and finally having the baby that destroyed what was left of her marriage was fat? way to think for yourself Ms. Middle age spread. Fuck you- I was smart enough to have 1- I'll spring back.
-Men treat me the way ask them to? Oh look! We agree- the difference between you and I is that I'm actually ok with it. I ain't playing no games or fucking fronting like you. And I'm not some fucking busted ass cougar that thinks I have anything in common w/ a fucking man that's 15 yrs younger than me(which for the record would be 20)
-trash breeds trash- this is a fun new phrase you and the rest of your racist ass Louisiana faux debs dusted off. All I shall say is that someone that is truly worth hearing doesn't need 40 people that didn't even fucking know her to validate her. She doesn't need to bring in an innocent 4 yr old into the fray because her arguments have merit. And reality is living her own life instead of the hearsay of another persons, because she can form her own motherfucking non-reactionary opinion. Maybe you should re-think the family tree of trash. I'll bet your mommy told you nice girls didn't do 'that' too. Fuck you hypocrite.
Oh look-that's only 3! Surprise- Surprise. Thats. My.word
R
I was gone give it some time before I wrote this blog since my last one was so fuckin controversial. I genuinely gave my self the "Simmer down bitch" pep talk so that I could be- you know- classy about the shit(thanks AK). But you know the response from the moderator. Fuck That. I really want to open with this song, because as my Girl Betty pointed out- you you can basically interchange the word "gangsta' and "lady" in this song and it means the same. I would also replace the N word for something like debutante because i just don't care for it an find it offensive.
So listen to the words of this song you fuckin washed up has been and know that I'm not fuckin around and if I ever see you again I will punch you in the face. You keep my fucking kids name out of your mouth, or you will be sorrier than you have ever been. I have like eleventy lawyers in my family/friendship- so Ima tell you like I told Mr. Ex Gangsta Divorcee when he thought he could fuck with me- it will cost me zero legal dollars to fucking assault(and/or divorce) you. And! Lucky me- I'll bat my eyes at some sucker to get any other expenses that might be incurred taken care of- which is way easier for me than you- who by the way is like 6 years younger THAN MY MOTHER.
You wanna go there with me about the example I'm leading? Why don't I post the pictures of your 16 year old walking around ACL in a bikini and low slung skirt that showed her twat- smoking, drinking, and getting high in front of you while you joked about it. By no means am I prude or a tee-totaler, but I gaur-en-goddam-tee you you my daughter shows up like that while she lives under my roof- thinking she's grown, she can change her clothes and her attitude or she can pack her shit. Or maybe we can talk about how your left your "beautiful daughter" drunk as fuck (you and her both) so you could chase a married man with the express purpose of getting laid.
But! the coup de grace of all this fucked non-sense was this shit.
" And as far as being in an ugly space. thank god i am not. Just saying that men treat you as you ask them to treat you. period. i guess maybe that outfit just looks better on me. ha ha ha."
Combined with this:
"I completely agree. rock on you miserable souls. so glad i am not apart of your "reality". What a sad way to live life. trash breeds trash."
Are you fucking kidding me right now? If I contained a fucking monochrome of patience I would fucking pick your fucking ramblings apart motherfucking syllable by syllable. As it turns out(and not surprisingly) I can boil down your simple minded shit in maaaybe 5 bullet points- cause you know I learned something besides getting married in college:
- You look better? Nice try almost 50 yr old pussy and that's fun and new to make a fat joke. oh? what did cosmo tell you being a size 8 at 5'9 after 6 years of intensive hormonal infertility treatment and finally having the baby that destroyed what was left of her marriage was fat? way to think for yourself Ms. Middle age spread. Fuck you- I was smart enough to have 1- I'll spring back.
-Men treat me the way ask them to? Oh look! We agree- the difference between you and I is that I'm actually ok with it. I ain't playing no games or fucking fronting like you. And I'm not some fucking busted ass cougar that thinks I have anything in common w/ a fucking man that's 15 yrs younger than me(which for the record would be 20)
-trash breeds trash- this is a fun new phrase you and the rest of your racist ass Louisiana faux debs dusted off. All I shall say is that someone that is truly worth hearing doesn't need 40 people that didn't even fucking know her to validate her. She doesn't need to bring in an innocent 4 yr old into the fray because her arguments have merit. And reality is living her own life instead of the hearsay of another persons, because she can form her own motherfucking non-reactionary opinion. Maybe you should re-think the family tree of trash. I'll bet your mommy told you nice girls didn't do 'that' too. Fuck you hypocrite.
Oh look-that's only 3! Surprise- Surprise. Thats. My.word
R
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Fans, Friends, and Artists Must Meet
I picked this blog title in honor of this poem by Erykah Badu, which is Boss as Hell.
I wanna dish a little about friends, because my friend interactions of late seem to be a source of great elation and also great pain for. Great confidence, and great confusion. I've been wondering a lot about the need for friendships in my life. The way I may choose to hang on to a friendship that's time has passed or neglect or abuse a friendship that deserves better or over cultivate a friendship only to serve my own ego. And I want to look at that through my art-words- for the fans I hope I'm making. Fans, friends, and artists must meet. Which one are you? Which one is me?
Let me preface this whole thing by establishing 2 things out the gate that I know for 100% certainty. #1) I am a pain in the ass to be friends with. I know everyone thinks this Gangsta Divorcee shit is some sort of front for me to curse. You would be wrong. This is how I behave and this is the sort of bullshit the peeps in my life put up with all the time. #2- I, like every woman,am crazy and i apply that crazy to everyone. #thankyouverymuch
Friends on FB
One of the newer additions to my FB friends, whom I was vague friends with in HS but haven't really spoken to or of since recently said this about me on the social media ego mecca that is the FB "Great to see how well things are going for you!" To which I say "Thank God we live in a society that still judges success by how hot you are relative to your peers"
You would never know the following based on the FB profile picture I am currently displaying (I'm in a beer girl costume made for a 5'3 woman(I'm 5'9) that I have adorned it with knee high 4 in heel boots, and the elusive wicked/innocent over the shoulder glance) that:
- I am up to those wicked eyes in credit card debt thanks to botox
-I haven't slept without alcohol or sleeping pills or both in about a year
-I cannot be without Zoloft or my therapist for more than a week or I lose my shit-totally
-I'm really not gonna fuck you, I'm somebodies mother for Christ sake
I say all this to to back up my thesis that facebook is for fun. It's like adult imagination time loosely based on reality. Look homies- don't be bringing your fucked up real life to my social media bubble. I'm here to have fun, post cute picture of my kid, and spread my political ideals through essentially non-confrontational means, unless I'm drunk and then its on. Take your sad, negative, non-funny shit somewhere else- like your blog.
Is it Time To let Go?
I think I struggle with this type of friendship the most and here's why. Do you have that friend that just drains you? I mean they bring some great stuff to your life but you guys are just headed in different directions. You love her- but fuck, sometimes you just want to look at her and say- "Shut the fuck up! I fuckin heard you the 1st 20 times!!" Well, if I were being honest- which I like to be, I am that friend for most of my peeps. So when this happens to me- I sometimes let it go longer than it should- I so appreciate anyone that will put up with my shit I simply cannot let go. But sometimes- its time. I had a therapist tell me once that relationships don't end for real with a BANG! They just fizzle out- I've seen it to many times not to know that to be true. Your job is to make space for the fizzle.
Ego Feeders
For me this is one type of friend- boys. Mr. Ex Gangsta Divorcee said some of the truest words I ever heard on many o' an occasion and one of those phrases was "Men and women don't become friends as adults because the possibility of sex is always there" Tru. Dat. I mean I have a whole slew o' male BFF's of late. But there has been sex with all of them- and I sorta hang on them to feed my ego. I'm like the girl they would love if I wasn't such a hot mess and I get to exert influence over their live because they think I'm like a guy and can essentially have sex w/o feeling anything. Soo awesome- win/win- I love to influence others- it makes me feel important and the quasi-platonic occasional booty call hommie is perfect fit for that. Plus, in my defense, I think a man really needs a female outlet that's not trying to wife them that they can talk all their crazy monkey-mind shit they have about women. Yes ladies, men have this too, not nearly to the level that we do- no straight man has that-trust. So feed my ego hommies- and when your not locked up, I fully expect to compensated for my services, so don't be fuckin call or text me after about 9pm on a Wednesday, Thursday or every other weekend if you ain't putting out. That's. My Word.
R
I wanna dish a little about friends, because my friend interactions of late seem to be a source of great elation and also great pain for. Great confidence, and great confusion. I've been wondering a lot about the need for friendships in my life. The way I may choose to hang on to a friendship that's time has passed or neglect or abuse a friendship that deserves better or over cultivate a friendship only to serve my own ego. And I want to look at that through my art-words- for the fans I hope I'm making. Fans, friends, and artists must meet. Which one are you? Which one is me?
Let me preface this whole thing by establishing 2 things out the gate that I know for 100% certainty. #1) I am a pain in the ass to be friends with. I know everyone thinks this Gangsta Divorcee shit is some sort of front for me to curse. You would be wrong. This is how I behave and this is the sort of bullshit the peeps in my life put up with all the time. #2- I, like every woman,am crazy and i apply that crazy to everyone. #thankyouverymuch
Friends on FB
One of the newer additions to my FB friends, whom I was vague friends with in HS but haven't really spoken to or of since recently said this about me on the social media ego mecca that is the FB "Great to see how well things are going for you!" To which I say "Thank God we live in a society that still judges success by how hot you are relative to your peers"
You would never know the following based on the FB profile picture I am currently displaying (I'm in a beer girl costume made for a 5'3 woman(I'm 5'9) that I have adorned it with knee high 4 in heel boots, and the elusive wicked/innocent over the shoulder glance) that:
- I am up to those wicked eyes in credit card debt thanks to botox
-I haven't slept without alcohol or sleeping pills or both in about a year
-I cannot be without Zoloft or my therapist for more than a week or I lose my shit-totally
-I'm really not gonna fuck you, I'm somebodies mother for Christ sake
I say all this to to back up my thesis that facebook is for fun. It's like adult imagination time loosely based on reality. Look homies- don't be bringing your fucked up real life to my social media bubble. I'm here to have fun, post cute picture of my kid, and spread my political ideals through essentially non-confrontational means, unless I'm drunk and then its on. Take your sad, negative, non-funny shit somewhere else- like your blog.
Is it Time To let Go?
I think I struggle with this type of friendship the most and here's why. Do you have that friend that just drains you? I mean they bring some great stuff to your life but you guys are just headed in different directions. You love her- but fuck, sometimes you just want to look at her and say- "Shut the fuck up! I fuckin heard you the 1st 20 times!!" Well, if I were being honest- which I like to be, I am that friend for most of my peeps. So when this happens to me- I sometimes let it go longer than it should- I so appreciate anyone that will put up with my shit I simply cannot let go. But sometimes- its time. I had a therapist tell me once that relationships don't end for real with a BANG! They just fizzle out- I've seen it to many times not to know that to be true. Your job is to make space for the fizzle.
Ego Feeders
For me this is one type of friend- boys. Mr. Ex Gangsta Divorcee said some of the truest words I ever heard on many o' an occasion and one of those phrases was "Men and women don't become friends as adults because the possibility of sex is always there" Tru. Dat. I mean I have a whole slew o' male BFF's of late. But there has been sex with all of them- and I sorta hang on them to feed my ego. I'm like the girl they would love if I wasn't such a hot mess and I get to exert influence over their live because they think I'm like a guy and can essentially have sex w/o feeling anything. Soo awesome- win/win- I love to influence others- it makes me feel important and the quasi-platonic occasional booty call hommie is perfect fit for that. Plus, in my defense, I think a man really needs a female outlet that's not trying to wife them that they can talk all their crazy monkey-mind shit they have about women. Yes ladies, men have this too, not nearly to the level that we do- no straight man has that-trust. So feed my ego hommies- and when your not locked up, I fully expect to compensated for my services, so don't be fuckin call or text me after about 9pm on a Wednesday, Thursday or every other weekend if you ain't putting out. That's. My Word.
R
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Venus in Retrograde
So I had this whole triumphant moment where I wasn't gonna talk about men anymore cause I thought- "who really wants to here that same old men suck and are the root of all my problems bullshit anymore" Welllllll as it turns out- I do.
oh and by the way- I was totally gonna drop this line at the end for dramatic effect- but you motherfuckers(aka men that read this blog) have an attention span that is for shit so check it:
If I emailed/fb you a link to this blog, and we've had sex- what ever orgasm you think you gave me- I faked. Don't act surprised homie, I was in a monogamous relationship for 11 yrs. Master piece theater up in this motherfucker.
OK! Now that that's done- lets dig in then shall we?
#1 Hey yo motherfuckers- decide what you want. This is my favorite p heap of non-sense a man will lay on you- it goes like this: 'Women don't know what they want" 'I just want a woman that is honest about how she feels and the direction she is moving her life in" "I don't think less of you if we have sex on the 1st date/ no I really want to see you again if you give it up to soon"(poetic license that shit was implied)
Look I get it, especially for my fellow divorcees, we all like to convince ourselves that the reason(s) our relationships and/or marriages aren't working out the way they're supposed to is because somewhere in the equation someone is playing games or being unauthentic. But here's where you're actually fuckin' up, you still think something is supposed to be. Did I miss the cosmic teaching that were entitled to shit? I didn't think so. This is why every time my daughter subjects me to some Disney- princess- fairytale bullshit, at the end when its all happily ever after, I pinch her really hard on the arm and say "the shit don't pop off like that". Aversion therapy #partofthesolution.
So here you go men- here's your truth(fellow GD's don't get pissed it needs to be said.) Women love to love- we want to serve and care for you because we are women. We were made to nurture. Of all the gifts that feminism gave us, it stole our ability to be feminine and appreciate that what is inherent, like the ablity to essentially rule the wrold due in large part to our vaginia(hello Helen of Troy), in us is a gift. So instead were trying to be all equal and shit which makes us #1 assholes #2 willing to accept a 46 year old motherfucker that still gets high everyday with the bullshit justification that "well we all have our vice". Or something like that.
#2 Ladies! Quit falling for that bullshit. Men continue to inundate you with their non-sense-non-committal- non-sustaining bullshit that they just want honesty. Hooker- You know you are smarter than that. We divorcees- we're the worst. We think that when we divorced and made peace we had this fabulous new lease on life. We were beholden to no one or no thing. We were gonna be honest and loneliness be dammed. But loneliness is fuckin lonely. Surely you remember this from how to catch a husband. Wanna get married- don't be you, be the you he's projecting on you. In the post-apocalyptic looking landscape of divorcee dating, if you want companionship for more than one night, you better suck it up and dust off that Mrs. text book you slept with under your pillow in college. Time to brush up your skill set girl.
In conclusion, how about Mars and Venus come to the following agreement:
Men admit you like a little fakery. It sets you up for your easy out when you're just not feeling it anymore(dude, I don't know she's a totally different person) and allows you to believe for a brief moment that she's never had sex with anyone else(don't lie motherfucker, I know how ya'll be. You cannot bare the idea someone else hit that).
And Ladies, you gotta admit the same. Own the fact that you were born to fake and you're pretty fuckin good at it.
The things that we want(men) and were good at(women) make us happy, so get like Nike homies and just fuckin do it.
My daughter plays dress up compulsively. If you think for one second I ever encouraged or lobbied for that, this must be your 1st time here. Just like my dream that she would be a Lesbian is rapidly disintegrating, so to is my dream that she will not manipulate the fuck out of every poor man w/ the misfortune to wander into her sights. I haven't done that in a long time, cause I was all moral and thought it was wrong, but whatev it ain't trickin if you got it. Three years of honesty has made me tired and aged me, I'm not having that shit. So line up homies, and I'll give you what you think you don't want. As a matter of fact, I am so confident in my game that I'll bet you all the good sex you're not gonna be having once you get married, that one of the next three men I decide to run this shit on will ask me to marry him, and my sutpid ass will probably say yes. That's My Word.
R
oh and by the way- I was totally gonna drop this line at the end for dramatic effect- but you motherfuckers(aka men that read this blog) have an attention span that is for shit so check it:
If I emailed/fb you a link to this blog, and we've had sex- what ever orgasm you think you gave me- I faked. Don't act surprised homie, I was in a monogamous relationship for 11 yrs. Master piece theater up in this motherfucker.
OK! Now that that's done- lets dig in then shall we?
#1 Hey yo motherfuckers- decide what you want. This is my favorite p heap of non-sense a man will lay on you- it goes like this: 'Women don't know what they want" 'I just want a woman that is honest about how she feels and the direction she is moving her life in" "I don't think less of you if we have sex on the 1st date/ no I really want to see you again if you give it up to soon"(poetic license that shit was implied)
Look I get it, especially for my fellow divorcees, we all like to convince ourselves that the reason(s) our relationships and/or marriages aren't working out the way they're supposed to is because somewhere in the equation someone is playing games or being unauthentic. But here's where you're actually fuckin' up, you still think something is supposed to be. Did I miss the cosmic teaching that were entitled to shit? I didn't think so. This is why every time my daughter subjects me to some Disney- princess- fairytale bullshit, at the end when its all happily ever after, I pinch her really hard on the arm and say "the shit don't pop off like that". Aversion therapy #partofthesolution.
So here you go men- here's your truth(fellow GD's don't get pissed it needs to be said.) Women love to love- we want to serve and care for you because we are women. We were made to nurture. Of all the gifts that feminism gave us, it stole our ability to be feminine and appreciate that what is inherent, like the ablity to essentially rule the wrold due in large part to our vaginia(hello Helen of Troy), in us is a gift. So instead were trying to be all equal and shit which makes us #1 assholes #2 willing to accept a 46 year old motherfucker that still gets high everyday with the bullshit justification that "well we all have our vice". Or something like that.
#2 Ladies! Quit falling for that bullshit. Men continue to inundate you with their non-sense-non-committal- non-sustaining bullshit that they just want honesty. Hooker- You know you are smarter than that. We divorcees- we're the worst. We think that when we divorced and made peace we had this fabulous new lease on life. We were beholden to no one or no thing. We were gonna be honest and loneliness be dammed. But loneliness is fuckin lonely. Surely you remember this from how to catch a husband. Wanna get married- don't be you, be the you he's projecting on you. In the post-apocalyptic looking landscape of divorcee dating, if you want companionship for more than one night, you better suck it up and dust off that Mrs. text book you slept with under your pillow in college. Time to brush up your skill set girl.
In conclusion, how about Mars and Venus come to the following agreement:
Men admit you like a little fakery. It sets you up for your easy out when you're just not feeling it anymore(dude, I don't know she's a totally different person) and allows you to believe for a brief moment that she's never had sex with anyone else(don't lie motherfucker, I know how ya'll be. You cannot bare the idea someone else hit that).
And Ladies, you gotta admit the same. Own the fact that you were born to fake and you're pretty fuckin good at it.
The things that we want(men) and were good at(women) make us happy, so get like Nike homies and just fuckin do it.
My daughter plays dress up compulsively. If you think for one second I ever encouraged or lobbied for that, this must be your 1st time here. Just like my dream that she would be a Lesbian is rapidly disintegrating, so to is my dream that she will not manipulate the fuck out of every poor man w/ the misfortune to wander into her sights. I haven't done that in a long time, cause I was all moral and thought it was wrong, but whatev it ain't trickin if you got it. Three years of honesty has made me tired and aged me, I'm not having that shit. So line up homies, and I'll give you what you think you don't want. As a matter of fact, I am so confident in my game that I'll bet you all the good sex you're not gonna be having once you get married, that one of the next three men I decide to run this shit on will ask me to marry him, and my sutpid ass will probably say yes. That's My Word.
R
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Will my daughter be a ho? Can you be too drunk? Can you be to crunk? Etc., Etc...
Part III-Some Other Shit I been marinating on...
Alas I have returned victorious from ACL. Ok, victorious is a bit of a stretch, but we'll get into that later.
As promised I been thinking about some other shit- when I started the series I was totally headed in a different direction in reference to the shit I was marinating upon. As a matter of fact, I have no fucking clue what I was originally thinking about other than spirituality and sabotage. And! If we're being totally honest, I'm not thinking about that shit anymore either. Perhaps this the reason why I was so unsuccessful at marriage. My inability to stay focused on some something that's botherin' me and trying to figure it out patiently is for shit. Instead, I just cut bait and move-on. Wow I'm glad I'm writing this down, my therapist just asked me last week why the fuck I was there and I had no real answer. (Ok, Ok, she didn't say fuck, but she implied it- I know an implied fuck when I hear that shit).
I'm gonna skip around my usual list format, cause I just set it up that way in the title because I thought It would flow better.
Can you be to drunk? There was a time when I would have said- "Nah!! you can be drunker than you should be, but you can never be to drunk!" That time has passed, no fo real, that time has passed. Here are some signs you may have in fact have been to drunk: the moment you wake you know you must send at least 15 apology texts(some to people you just met), you have a vague recollection of perhaps, just maybe, almost falling off a roof, YOU HAVE FUCKING NO RECOLLECTION OF A SHOW SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING WAS ONE OF KANYE'S BEST EVER. Seriously, none. Too drunk, rookie move peeps and one that has me for the first time ever questioning my drunkenness. I'll get back to it- but I may sorta need a little break.....from vodka. Wine and beer are still on the table. A wise sage once said to me: "Wine, Wine is safe". And she was right, just as no good thing has ever happened after midnight, these are words to live by. So! Dear Vodka- welcome to the "no brown liquor rule" club. I will miss you, but this is for the best.
Will my Daughter be a Ho? or maybe Just an Asshole? There is a lot of things that have this thought swirling around my mind right now. Seriously I have observed the following in just the last 2 days- a nine, maaaybe 10 yr old be so fucking rude and disrespectful to HER MOTHER, that was giving her carte blanche to buy whatever she wanted, that I swear to you I almost intervened.
This is the conversation I heard:
"Mom, just walk away mom, just walk away. I'll let you know when I'm ready to check out" (Mom slinks away to, I don't read Harlequin romances at the check out aisle and wait?)
This would have been my response:
"The Hell you will you little shit! The last time I checked I had the fucking job around here or the good sense to marry someone with one. Remind me again what you've accomplished in your nine fucking years? Other than drain my resources and strain my already unhappy and sexually unfulfilling relationship. I'll tell you when were checking out- now. And what you're getting-nothing Take your ass to the car before I beat it all they way there."
Clearly this falls under the asshole umbrella. But fo real I see this non-sense all the time. Fuck that- I run this homey. Behave yourself and I'll let you live to be a grownup and run your own shit.
And what about a ho? Fo real yo- apparently now that my child is over 4 ft tall she needs a mini-skirt in leopard print with a matching bra and off the shoulder crop top t-shirt. Did I just fucking fall asleep and wake in Toddlers and Tiara's- The Flashdance Years?
Lemme circle back though and keep it real. I do not own a pair of flats. I do not really own heels shorter about 4 inches. I know exactly what I look like and exactly what I'm doing looking like that. Whatcha think I rap for to push a fuckin Rav4? ? I struggle with the concept of "do as I say not as I do" But here's the storyline that I've been trying to convince myself of, and it gets harder and harder every time I think about my beautiful daughter growing up and just settling for being hot( and she will be- she get from her mama). I think in the modern woman's struggle for equality (and its a struggle 30 yr old white male whining about reverse discrimination, go fuck yourself douche you been suckin' off the teet of entitlement for generations, move over, give someone else a turn, and go learn a fucking skill) we have left out the feminine in feminism. When I first heard this theory it I found it profound. I think it can mean different things depending on the kind of feminine you are, so I will just give to you as a thought to chew on. And so how am I gonna pass on to my daughter that its ok to be beautiful, age appropriately sexy, and the fuckin smartest person in the room? How can she learn that with the trial and error method or the relapses into the trial and error method - and by trial and error method I mean givin it(it being sex, position, or need to fit in) up to soon for the wrong reason or just to feel powerful? Lot's to marinate on. I rarely wish I had a boy, this is not one of those times.
Last, but most certainly not least: Can you be to Crunk? One of the originators of crunk and founding members of Outkast, Big Boi (whom I'm told I had the great pleasure of seeing twice on Friday...yea I got nothing, thanks Vodka) would probably say no. I would say he's is definitely not a 34 yr white woman from the burbs trying to act like shes hard as hell- old as hell? probably going to hell? Yes. Hard as Hell? No. That's my word.
R
Alas I have returned victorious from ACL. Ok, victorious is a bit of a stretch, but we'll get into that later.
As promised I been thinking about some other shit- when I started the series I was totally headed in a different direction in reference to the shit I was marinating upon. As a matter of fact, I have no fucking clue what I was originally thinking about other than spirituality and sabotage. And! If we're being totally honest, I'm not thinking about that shit anymore either. Perhaps this the reason why I was so unsuccessful at marriage. My inability to stay focused on some something that's botherin' me and trying to figure it out patiently is for shit. Instead, I just cut bait and move-on. Wow I'm glad I'm writing this down, my therapist just asked me last week why the fuck I was there and I had no real answer. (Ok, Ok, she didn't say fuck, but she implied it- I know an implied fuck when I hear that shit).
I'm gonna skip around my usual list format, cause I just set it up that way in the title because I thought It would flow better.
Can you be to drunk? There was a time when I would have said- "Nah!! you can be drunker than you should be, but you can never be to drunk!" That time has passed, no fo real, that time has passed. Here are some signs you may have in fact have been to drunk: the moment you wake you know you must send at least 15 apology texts(some to people you just met), you have a vague recollection of perhaps, just maybe, almost falling off a roof, YOU HAVE FUCKING NO RECOLLECTION OF A SHOW SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING WAS ONE OF KANYE'S BEST EVER. Seriously, none. Too drunk, rookie move peeps and one that has me for the first time ever questioning my drunkenness. I'll get back to it- but I may sorta need a little break.....from vodka. Wine and beer are still on the table. A wise sage once said to me: "Wine, Wine is safe". And she was right, just as no good thing has ever happened after midnight, these are words to live by. So! Dear Vodka- welcome to the "no brown liquor rule" club. I will miss you, but this is for the best.
Will my Daughter be a Ho? or maybe Just an Asshole? There is a lot of things that have this thought swirling around my mind right now. Seriously I have observed the following in just the last 2 days- a nine, maaaybe 10 yr old be so fucking rude and disrespectful to HER MOTHER, that was giving her carte blanche to buy whatever she wanted, that I swear to you I almost intervened.
This is the conversation I heard:
"Mom, just walk away mom, just walk away. I'll let you know when I'm ready to check out" (Mom slinks away to, I don't read Harlequin romances at the check out aisle and wait?)
This would have been my response:
"The Hell you will you little shit! The last time I checked I had the fucking job around here or the good sense to marry someone with one. Remind me again what you've accomplished in your nine fucking years? Other than drain my resources and strain my already unhappy and sexually unfulfilling relationship. I'll tell you when were checking out- now. And what you're getting-nothing Take your ass to the car before I beat it all they way there."
Clearly this falls under the asshole umbrella. But fo real I see this non-sense all the time. Fuck that- I run this homey. Behave yourself and I'll let you live to be a grownup and run your own shit.
And what about a ho? Fo real yo- apparently now that my child is over 4 ft tall she needs a mini-skirt in leopard print with a matching bra and off the shoulder crop top t-shirt. Did I just fucking fall asleep and wake in Toddlers and Tiara's- The Flashdance Years?
Lemme circle back though and keep it real. I do not own a pair of flats. I do not really own heels shorter about 4 inches. I know exactly what I look like and exactly what I'm doing looking like that. Whatcha think I rap for to push a fuckin Rav4? ? I struggle with the concept of "do as I say not as I do" But here's the storyline that I've been trying to convince myself of, and it gets harder and harder every time I think about my beautiful daughter growing up and just settling for being hot( and she will be- she get from her mama). I think in the modern woman's struggle for equality (and its a struggle 30 yr old white male whining about reverse discrimination, go fuck yourself douche you been suckin' off the teet of entitlement for generations, move over, give someone else a turn, and go learn a fucking skill) we have left out the feminine in feminism. When I first heard this theory it I found it profound. I think it can mean different things depending on the kind of feminine you are, so I will just give to you as a thought to chew on. And so how am I gonna pass on to my daughter that its ok to be beautiful, age appropriately sexy, and the fuckin smartest person in the room? How can she learn that with the trial and error method or the relapses into the trial and error method - and by trial and error method I mean givin it(it being sex, position, or need to fit in) up to soon for the wrong reason or just to feel powerful? Lot's to marinate on. I rarely wish I had a boy, this is not one of those times.
Last, but most certainly not least: Can you be to Crunk? One of the originators of crunk and founding members of Outkast, Big Boi (whom I'm told I had the great pleasure of seeing twice on Friday...yea I got nothing, thanks Vodka) would probably say no. I would say he's is definitely not a 34 yr white woman from the burbs trying to act like shes hard as hell- old as hell? probably going to hell? Yes. Hard as Hell? No. That's my word.
R
Monday, September 12, 2011
Jesus was not a Budaist but Buda would have made a good Christian
Part II Spirituality
God. A pretty heavy topic for this blog I think. I mean when you use the word Jesus and fuck in the same sentence, you're kinda automatically an asshole. Just Sayin. But the one thing I promised myself about this blog when I embarked upon it is that I would keep it Gangsta, but also really talk about the shit I think about in the way that I think about it. And I've already used Jesus and fuck in a sentence (twice) so I'm pretty much an asshole already.
So! Let's get after it shall we? First of all let me say this, I consider myself a Christian. The main reason I do this is because I'm white and WASP-y looking and it's just easier. Also, if you've ever seen pictures of my father from 1977 he looks just like fucking Jesus(that's 3). The other reason is that fo real yo, in my world view all that shit is really the same. So why not pick the religion that will mitigate your airport pat downs?
So you might be wondering "Damm GD! If you've gotten this shit so streamlined why are devoting a whole post to it? We aren't trying to get all philosophical and shit. Get to that other shit your marinating on- I bet that's funny."
The truth as long as I can remember I have craved the presence of God in my life. Crazy right? But not really. I think that's most people, maybe not God per se that you grew up with being forced on you, have a God shaped hole in their heart and are just looking to find the shape of God that fits it.(Good shit right? A course In Miracles- read that shit its awesome)
Now here's the catch, remember pt.I? What's my fatal flaw? That's right- all or nothing. And this is where, every time with every version of God there is(and on the real, I think all religions are a manifestation of one God) I stumble. Fo real yo if I did not have mad control issues I would be the fuckin craziest skid row livin' addict you ever met. Every time, in every instance, I can go right up to the line and the be like "yea no- not today" (Don't hate, its kept me off the Meth that and that shit is ghetto, like huffing paint.)
Alas I digress, I bring up drug use and the word fuck in the context of Jesus(aaand 4) to make this point People that are addicted to God, any God, are fuckin nuts and they scare me. What's more, I could totally be that girl! (okay- so right here I totally wanted to put this clip of Tommy Chong saying "Before I was all messed up on drugs, now I'm all messed up on the Lord' Cause you know my Dad let me Listen to the Up in Smoke LP when I was 9- nostalgia.Couldn't find it. this shits good too)
And there in lies my quandary- crazy for The Lord =not Gangsta. Moreover, its hard to find church with peeps that like to say Fuck. That being said, I'm Catholic and my people do like liquor and swearing. As a matter of fact when I was a stay at home mom (don't laugh, I rocked that shit) I found my church lady group because the leader told us if we forgot to make flower arrangements for Mass we would go to Hell. Total dead pan, she wasn't fuckin around. #Gangsta.
And so peeps normally I would not beg for your commentary on my rantings- but I'm thinking on sabotage and spirituality I may need them. Thinking about this shit is making me so uncomfortable that I know somethings gotta give.
Damn you 1 million self help books Damn you to hell with the ladies that forgot to make flowers.
I didn't link ya'll a ton o' jamz this time cause I fuckin hate Jesus rock. (That's 5 ding-ding-ding we have a winner or a heathen or whatev) But Ima leave you with my Boy Kanye. In just 4 short days we shall be together at ACL where he will gaze out over the pasty, natural fiber clad crowd and lock eyes with me. In that moment, I know he'll choose me cause he can tell your girl is down to ride. That's my Word.
God. A pretty heavy topic for this blog I think. I mean when you use the word Jesus and fuck in the same sentence, you're kinda automatically an asshole. Just Sayin. But the one thing I promised myself about this blog when I embarked upon it is that I would keep it Gangsta, but also really talk about the shit I think about in the way that I think about it. And I've already used Jesus and fuck in a sentence (twice) so I'm pretty much an asshole already.
So! Let's get after it shall we? First of all let me say this, I consider myself a Christian. The main reason I do this is because I'm white and WASP-y looking and it's just easier. Also, if you've ever seen pictures of my father from 1977 he looks just like fucking Jesus(that's 3). The other reason is that fo real yo, in my world view all that shit is really the same. So why not pick the religion that will mitigate your airport pat downs?
So you might be wondering "Damm GD! If you've gotten this shit so streamlined why are devoting a whole post to it? We aren't trying to get all philosophical and shit. Get to that other shit your marinating on- I bet that's funny."
The truth as long as I can remember I have craved the presence of God in my life. Crazy right? But not really. I think that's most people, maybe not God per se that you grew up with being forced on you, have a God shaped hole in their heart and are just looking to find the shape of God that fits it.(Good shit right? A course In Miracles- read that shit its awesome)
Now here's the catch, remember pt.I? What's my fatal flaw? That's right- all or nothing. And this is where, every time with every version of God there is(and on the real, I think all religions are a manifestation of one God) I stumble. Fo real yo if I did not have mad control issues I would be the fuckin craziest skid row livin' addict you ever met. Every time, in every instance, I can go right up to the line and the be like "yea no- not today" (Don't hate, its kept me off the Meth that and that shit is ghetto, like huffing paint.)
Alas I digress, I bring up drug use and the word fuck in the context of Jesus(aaand 4) to make this point People that are addicted to God, any God, are fuckin nuts and they scare me. What's more, I could totally be that girl! (okay- so right here I totally wanted to put this clip of Tommy Chong saying "Before I was all messed up on drugs, now I'm all messed up on the Lord' Cause you know my Dad let me Listen to the Up in Smoke LP when I was 9- nostalgia.Couldn't find it. this shits good too)
And there in lies my quandary- crazy for The Lord =not Gangsta. Moreover, its hard to find church with peeps that like to say Fuck. That being said, I'm Catholic and my people do like liquor and swearing. As a matter of fact when I was a stay at home mom (don't laugh, I rocked that shit) I found my church lady group because the leader told us if we forgot to make flower arrangements for Mass we would go to Hell. Total dead pan, she wasn't fuckin around. #Gangsta.
And so peeps normally I would not beg for your commentary on my rantings- but I'm thinking on sabotage and spirituality I may need them. Thinking about this shit is making me so uncomfortable that I know somethings gotta give.
Damn you 1 million self help books Damn you to hell with the ladies that forgot to make flowers.
I didn't link ya'll a ton o' jamz this time cause I fuckin hate Jesus rock. (That's 5 ding-ding-ding we have a winner or a heathen or whatev) But Ima leave you with my Boy Kanye. In just 4 short days we shall be together at ACL where he will gaze out over the pasty, natural fiber clad crowd and lock eyes with me. In that moment, I know he'll choose me cause he can tell your girl is down to ride. That's my Word.
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